[Published originally in 2017 via my Medium blog - link]
I had an enlightenment.
Whenever I realize something about myself it calms me down. Being calm lasts for a few minutes, maybe hours, days at most. But this time I think I’m on to something stable. I realized what is my biggest fear and now I think that facing it would be its cure. My biggest fear is being mediocre.
I’m never calm. I always chase something and excited to start something new when I haven’t really finished the old. Typical Generation Y you say? maybe. Although since I’m comparing myself to other Ys, I guess I’m still the exception.
I was always the smart one. That was my thing growing up. But like most girls, I didn’t want to be the smart one. I wanted to be the popular one or the pretty one. So I was popular enough and pretty enough but still definitely the smart one. I was the one all the other parents used to tell their kids — “you should be more like her”. I was the one everybody had big hopes for. The one that’s going to make it.
Yet, guess what parents? In my eyes I turned mediocre.
If you ask my friends now to describe me they’ll say I always carry a check list with me, I always deal with 10 things at the same time, I don’t believe in sleeping and I work hard. Oh and I’m always well dressed. Well let me tell you something friends — I do sleep, I sleep too much and should try to sleep less, I don’t work hard enough, I should work harder and that check list? Still a lot to get to there. Though yes, you are right, about the dressing up well part ;)
What is it that I’m always chasing and why can’t I relax? It just hit me — I’m afraid of being mediocre.
One of my previous bosses gave me a feedback once, that he thought was a good feedback. He said that I’m a capable person, comfortable with numbers and OK with people. Just the kind of feedback every excellent person would love to hear. And then it hit me — I’m becoming mediocre. Worse — I am mediocre.
3 top university degrees; 4 languages; 1 Instagram fashion blog; 6,000 followers on my Facebook e-commerce group; 1 fabulous wardrobe; high education studies in 3 continents — and yet all I can see is that I don’t stand out any more. I’m not keeping the promise I made to myself when I was a kid — I’m not someone they’ll remember. I’m not the best dancer, or athlete, I’m not on the fast track to an excellent career and I’m currently not the best in my field of business.
So now I face an out — I can just embrace it and say that’s life and we can’t all stand out and be exceptional; or, I can choose to fight for that excellent person in me. I choose the latter. She deserves my fight.
See you in the big league guys!